Sunday, 22 April 2012

Sunday, 08 April 2012

  • ugughhhhh

    So, I was doing wonderful... going to the gym, eating healthy....not throwing up every fiber I had consumed...
    and then I missed the gym....binge ate....felt extremely guilty and ...purged....

    then the next day....same thing....wtf.

    It is just such a horrible feeling to eat and feel like you are getting fat that instant. The relief is indescribable to get all of the food out of my stomach that it is hard for me to even want to eat because I hate the feeling of having the food in my stomach and I know if I eat I will probably just want to get it out.

    I wish I could remember when I turned to be this.

    No one even knows I do this and it is almost a high type of feeling. Like it is MY secret. I know it is so unhealthy and so fucking disgusting to do. I just need to get some fucking control over myself. Damn.

Sunday, 01 April 2012

  • Getting Easier.

    It's only been a week of no junk/soda/binging or purging...
    but it is already getting easier. I really don't crave the stuff that I love so  much...pizza...grease...fatty foods basically lol
    I am afraid I'm not eating enough though. I'm just so terrified of over-indulging myself like I used to but I know I need to eat in order to lose weight.

    I started back at the gym last Wednesday and have went everyday since. I do about an hour-hour and a half of cardio and I'm beginning weight training as well. I miss my muscles from swimming...they were soooo nice...le sigh. I wish I would have thought they were awesome when I had them...but noo000oooo I had to think they were "manly" when really I just looked completely awesome.

    I can't decide if I want to weight myself on Monday mornings or Tuesday mornings...due to my crazy ass work schedule. I think I will pick Tuesdays because I work graveyard Sunday night so Monday morning is technically my "night." I have Monday off though and work the morning shift on Tuesday...sooo Tuesday before work it is. I want to be to 159 by Tuesday. I haven't weighed myself for a couple days so I'm not sure if I'm close or not. I will work my ass off and not get too discouraged if I don't reach that though. When I get discouraged I tend to give up and then undo all my progress and gain more weight than I had to begin with.

    Things are looking up.

    I'm so happy to be getting out of a dark place. :)

Monday, 26 March 2012

  • I Erased My Board.

    My board where I keep all my weight records...measurements, goals, etc.


    And I rewrote them.

    Instead of looking at all of the pounds I need to lose at once I am just going to look at small goals. Almost like steps.
    My first goal is to lose 5.4 pounds in the next week. If I work my ass off I know I will be able to achieve that with ease. Just about eating right (HEALTHY no b/p)
    and exercise (GET MY ASS TO THE GYM AGAIN.)

    My ultimate part of my first weight increment is to lose 10 lbs by my first lake trip to get to 153.4. I would feel more confident in that.

    I am looking forward to logging my progress. I will get my measurements up and start counting my calories again.
    The website I use for logging my intake is www.everydayhealth.com. I've been slacking like a mothertrucker though. I got all sorts of caught up in my binge/purge issues and lost sight of the goal I have. If I would have just kept following my goal and my path I would have reached it by now...in the time I was wishing and hoping for it to be better I could have already achieved my desires. :|


    Here it goesssss.

    Starting from scratch.

    Although,
    it kinda does make me sad to erase all my previous progress. From 175 to 163. :( Oh well, I have all the way to 130 to see eventually. :D

Sunday, 18 March 2012

  • Apparently That Was a False Alarm

    Being on track that is....

    Damn,

    My lack of #self-control disgusts me.

    I just #binged twice...in ....a...row. :(!

    I ate 2 pieces of pizza that I DIDN'T EVEN WANT. I just ate it cause it was there. It made me sick. I then purged it... which equally disgusted me.
    Vomitting undigested food is such an unpleasant experience. Once again, #disgusting.

    So being upset...

    I left the bathroom...

    Walked to the fridge...

    and proceded to binge, AGAIN.

    Eating 4 zingers :( WTF.

    I only want to have my control back. I don't get it.

    My bf doesn't have any idea I've been having an issue with all of this again.

    I feel so lossssttttttaldjflasjdf;lasjfdlasjdf. LAME.

Monday, 12 March 2012

  • Back On Track.

    My boyfriend and I decided it was back to the gym tomorrow...dun, dun, dunnnn.

    I have no idea why I loathe the idea because I always love it when I'm there and even more when I've accomplished what I wanted to.

    I believe it is that I completely lack discipline.
    It is crazy how I used to get up at 4:30 a.m. six days a week to swim for 3 hours and it wasn't even a problem most days. I think it was because I was not looking at it as exercise I was looking at is as practice for my swim meets.

    I decided that the gym will just be practice. Practice on living a healthier lifestyle and being a better me all around.

    Motivatiooonnnn keep it coming.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

  • ohhh myy laziness.

    Lady times, as I call it, have brought me down this past week...leaving me tired and bloated and LAZY feeling.

    I need to get back to the gym.
    I want to lose at least 10 pounds by my first lake trip. Although, overall, I want to lose 30 pounds. I gained 2 pounds back due to inactivity and I can't even be mad because it is all my fault. Just gotta get back in there. I feel so much better when I am working out even if I am not losing a lot of weight. Usually If I am not losing numbers on the scale I am losing numbers off the measuring tape--which is more important to me anyways.

    Buuuuut it is horrible that I would rather pack a bowl and watch desperate housewives right now.
    SIGHHH.


    Gotta work graveyard tonight. :( LAME. LOATHE that shift cause it is so immensely boring. Another night at The Hampton.

    UGHHH.

     

     

Thursday, 01 March 2012

  • Sometimes,

    sometimes.

    Just blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

    hate. hate. hate feeling so crappy.

    I need to make a life style change in a million different ways.

    It starts

    Right

    Now.

     

    Cause why wait another minute for something I should have done yesterday?

Monday, 27 February 2012

  • Sorry About the Negativity

    I've just felt so completely off.

    I can't handle this obsession anymore and it's driving me absolutely insane.
    When I hate what I'm doing, loathe how I'm feeling, and detest my physical/mental self I just don't know where to begin.
    I feel so helpless.

    I've always had issues with food but recently it has been such horrible cycles I can't handle it anymore. I feel so weak-minded. I wasn't always like this and I really wish I knew why I have these problems with under eating/over eating. I want to know the root of the issue more than anything because maybe then I could attack it at the source and get it from there.

    I know I'm a beautiful person but all I can feel is the fat all over me and I just keep feeding it. I swear I feel skin stretching and breaking after I binge so much and gain 10 pounds in 3 days that took me almost 3 weeks to lose. I hate it. I work so hard at the gym and I work so hard to eat well and I just throw myself off the ledge and I can't turn back until I am so disgusted with myself that I cry and then the healthy eating only starts after starving myself for days. Then the cycle goes back.

    I am so lame for being so obsessed with fucking FOOD. You would think I was mainlining H the way I feel so horrible about myself over food. I can't believe it. Why. Why. Why.

    I want control over myself to be healthy and happy. Constantly wrestling with the thoughts of food and worrying and being disgusted is just so tiring. I just want some rest but my mind is caught in a loop like a bad trip.

     

    ugh.

  • Disgust.

    I just ate a salad...a pretty big one. Which had endless calories I'm sure...
    I was full... like way too full. Blehhh.
    And then I insisted on eating a bag of chips....
    And a soda....
    All in a matter of 30 minutes.

    So.
    Tired.
    Of.
    This.

    Why can't I just fucking control this bullshit? It is such a weird feeling. I physically do not want to eat anymore but I just keep going and going and going to the point where I will probably throw up from too much food and not even purposely.

    I guess this is what it feels like to be an addict, you know. I want to quit over eating and being disgusting like that but I just keep going like I'm going to fucking die without shoveling food down my throat.

    I miss my positivity. :(

    I hate starting over at Day 1.
    Then ruining it.
    Then starting over at Day 1 again...and again...and again. Fucking relapsing into a shitty eating habit that I don't even want or know why I have it.

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